My wife's worst nightmare

Well, now. This is quite possibly my wife's worst nightmare. It's a chance for me to sit and expound all of my opinions to a captive audience. (Not that you're all that captive, but, humor me anyway and just pretend that you really can't click and go to one of the other millions of bloggers out there.) My Girl is either huddled up in the corner of the bedroom, sucking her thumb and trying to think Happy Thoughts, or she's called up our Provider, asked how to disconnect the internet service and will soon start looking into companies that recycle used computers. But for now, bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!! You're all screwed!

Technology has brought me to a place where the only thing between my opinions on life and the world is my ability to restrain myself. Riiiiiight. I'll start work on that little piece of adulthood right away. It's served me so well over the years. Like the time I danced on top of a table in a bar in Ohio for a bachelorette party. I was just passing through, what was the harm? They needed a male stripper, I'm a male. R-e-s-t-r-a-i-n-t. Well, if I can't practice it, at least I can spell it. The thing is, they took pictures. Then they posted them in the bar. I shall live in Infamy! Or jail. It depends on what the feds find out....Public nudity is mostly, not legal. And it was, oh, 18 (ouch) years ago?

OK. Seeing's as how I'm new to this and you're new to me, let's get a few things straight as far as what I want this to be. Kind of an executive summary thingy for those of you who can't be bothered with reading a few posts to see what it's really going to turn out to be.

- Funny. That is, funny to me. Hopefully you'll laugh with me, but that won't be necessarily be required for me to enjoy myself. Think of this as masturbation with the english language for the frustrated writer in me. If you enjoy watching, it's all good. No special eye protection is required.

- Honest. If I write it here, I should be willing to tell it to your face. Easy to say, hard to do. It's always easy to write about the hilariously funny way your Uncle Bart squints when he's reading something more complicated then a movie ticket. But do you tell him about it? I'd have to because I'd burst out laughing the first time I saw it. Then, it's either lie and say something like I think Morgan Freeman is HILARIOUS in this movie, OR tell him why I can't breathe normally when he's trying to find out which theater The Shawshank Redemption is playing in. Personally, I like the option behind Door #2. It's always better to get people to laugh at themselves. It's healthy. It's mind expanding. It gives you an easy target next time you need to make an example of someone.

- SOMETIMES, but not always, opinionated. Now here's a tough one. Do I come out and tell you everything I'm thinking, or do I just let you wonder which tree I fell out of and if the other monkey's are eating my share of the grub? To be honest, campers, I don't know how this is one is going to fall. I'm not afraid of sharing my opinions (quick check with the wife....Nope, she says I've got too many opinions anyway and mentioned something about strychnine.), but I'd like to be able to provide some giggles along the way without being overly obstinate. We'll just have to see. It is after all, my blog. Comments are open and we'll muddle through as we go.

So, those are the rules. I'll add to them as things go on. To be honest, the rules are less for you and more for me. This way, my superlative memory skills won't be bothered to try to remember why I started this thing, I'll be able to go back to my first post and figure it out all on my very own.

My memory...ha. Let's start there. It's easy. It's a small subject. It would have to be, as I know that I don't have one. I know I started life with one, but the older I get, the less sure I am of it's effectiveness. It's one thing to forget where I put my wallet. It's a whole other thing to realize I've been looking all over my house for a wallet that is on my dresser. The same dresser that it sits on almost every night. Sad.