The ol’ Smack-a-roony

I’m an adult now (Big Bro, just…shut up), so I should know how to do the ‘Kiss when you meet someone’ thing. That...thing that cool people do...the suave smooch on the cheek. I have no idea how to do this.

I know that I have no idea how to do this for one simple, yet highly significant reason. I’ve inadvertently kissed My Girl’s grandmother full on the mouth several times over the last few years. Grandma gets how to do it. I don’t. Smooth, Humor Me, smooth. Makin’ moves on Grandma…gonna get me summa that.

The basic question is, Who does the kissing? The second basic question is, When do you do the kissing and when do I do the kissing? The third basic question is, If they kiss first, do you kiss back? On which cheek? The same one or the other one? What if they pull away? This has also happened and then I’m kissing air. Complete with smootchy face while looking them right in the eye. Probably not as attractive a look as you may initially think.

I don’t know why it sends me into mental vapor lock. I see that I’m gonna get smooched and suddenly, I panic. Which cheek is she aiming at? Should I turn my cheek so it’s easier? Should I smooch back? Should I just make a smoochy sound as if to say, “If you weren’t kissing my cheek right now, I’d totally be kissing yours?” Is that bad? Is it required? What if she turns her head faster than I do,…again? What if, what if, what if.

So,...any idea's out there? Or am I the only idiot?