Train Tips

Unless you’re in the starring role of Risky Business, the things you can do on a train are relatively limited. While you sit still and don’t jiggle around much (you might disturb the other passengers and who wants to be the asshole that early in the morning?), you can work, read, sleep, watch the scenery go by (either inside or outside of the train), talk to your train buddies or even write your blog entry for the day. Anything else will usually get you arrested. At least, that’s the premise that I’ve been operating under for the last 3½ years.

The thing about limiting your horizons like that is that some would say you never really live life the way it was meant to be lived. Out there. On the edge. In control (which can actually be out of control, depending on your point of view). I may not live on much of an edge over here but, I am not in jail either, yea for me. If it really makes any difference to you, I sometimes feel in control and a little edgy. But that’s mostly on warmer weekends when I don’t have to wear clothes…but I digress,

Train Conductors are typically the kind of person who is ‘in control of the situation’ at any time. Except for two of them, all of the Conductors that I’ve seen are male. Noticeably male. Noticeably male from a long ways away. These guys have a swagger to them. An attitude. A visible confidence level that says, “I am in Control of You and This Train.” They have to be in control because if it goes bad, there isn’t much in the way of backup for them except the other passengers.

I can guarantee you that dealing with the general public is a thankless task, especially on a commuter train. They deal with drunks, assholes, bitches, cell phone talkers, loud Ipod users, librarians and people who put there feet on the seats everyday and someone needs to be in control of the situation. They are. They do a good job and somehow remain pleasant regardless of the jerks they encounter.

If you’re a woman riding the train (and chances are very good that if you’ve done this and not been arrested, you are a woman) you have more options available to you. Say for instance that you’re feeling more…open than usual. More edgy and out ‘there’, if you will. Especially if you’re sitting on the top level of the train, wearing a skirt of almost any length (underwear, I understand, is optional), while looking down at the Conductor as he goes by collecting fares.

Last week, the attractive young woman in the skirt (who was currently giving the now even more friendly than usual Conductor his tip for the day), seemed rather chatty. She was showing (among other things) all kinds of interest in the weather.

Tippee: “Might rain later today.”
Tipper: “Oh really? You’re so smart. How did you know?”
Tippee: “Well, yeah. Saw it on the news.”
Tipper: “Did they say anything else?”
Tippee: “Oh yeah. Said it was gonna be warm, too.”
Tipper: “Wow. How warm?”

I don’t know how they kept coming up with that high quality, weather fact finding banter, but they were really giving it their all. Both listening (just enough) to what the other had to say and looking intently at each other. She at his eyes, him at…her. A minute or so later, it was all over, she settled in to read a book, he went on collecting fares. With a smile. She had even paid full fare. Tips are fine but, apparently The Fare must still be paid.

The funny thing is, while they were in their own little world, no one besides me noticed a thing. Everyone else was too busy working, reading, sleeping, talking and watching in the scenery outside of the train.