To the Utter Moron on the 5 o’clock news:

A phrase that I’ve heard on the news before (and just heard again) finally jumped up and down on my last nerve. It was said by a very solemn, very serious man that appeared to be in his late 30’s. He said, “Everything [this business does] is oriented at getting more of your money…” and also “[the business] took everything I had.”

Blink.

Blink, blink, blink.

Bearing this in mind, I present for Stupid People everywhere, a lecture on ‘Just One Way of Being an Adult’ and ‘What Being an Adult Means’. Please feel free to print this out and hand it to a stupid person you know. Circle the big words so they can come back to you and find out what they mean. You never know, it may make a difference. i.e. It will make you feel better because really, it’s wasted on them. They’re stupid.

BUSINESS LECTURE BEGINS

A business is ‘in business’ for one reason: It wants to make the most money it can. This means that it (the business) wants you to give it your money. In return, it provides you with a product or a service that it wants you to believe is worth your money. This is based on the premise that if you don’t like the product or service that the business is offering, you won’t give it your money. Any business alive today is actually interested in getting MORE of your money than it already has. This is because more money is actually good for a business. This therefore, is the goal of businesses everywhere. No, really! It is. You can believe me because I work for a business and I know.

Now this may be hard to understand BUT, businesses really don’t care if:
1) You look good,
2) You dress smart, or even
3) How you feel, so long as:
4) You give it your money.

That’s what it wants because that’s what it needs to survive. No money = no business.
So, what does it do to get more of your money? This gets a little complicated so be patient and re-read it as often as you need to get a really good understanding of the intricate details.

In order to get more of your money, the business improves a product or a service. Another way to get more of your money is that it makes more and different types of products and services then, we’re getting close to the tricky part, it will tell you that you can’t live without it’s products and/or it’s services.

This is the tricky part: (Feel free to re-read this next sentence as many times as you need to in order to understand it because, as an ‘adult’ it’s expected that you do understand.) You DON’T have to believe it! It’s all up to you and your needs as you define them. If you don’t like the product/service OR if you think it is too expensive, you DON’T need to buy it. It’s YOUR decision. No, really, it is. No, I’m not lying. Remember, I actually work in a business, so I know that what I’m saying is true. YOU are supposed to be responsible enough to determine what “enough” of your money is. When you give a business “all” of your money, then at some point the world presumes that you must have felt that you got something more or something better in return, right up to the point where you realized YOU had no MONEY left and that YOU must be a friggin’ IDIOT

In the world of adulthood, not having money is YOUR problem, not mine or anyone else’s. You HAD money, you GAVE it to the business. It’s THEIR money now (remember, this is the business’s goal).

If you come crying to me later, I will have no sympathy for you because you GAVE the business all of YOUR money. I would feel much worse for any wife or kids that are attached to you because you GAVE the business all of THEIR money too. This is considered to be very un-‘adult’ behavior.

You must watch out for yourself and for your family. You must not expect anyone else to watch out for you. It is you who must be responsible, for you. Not them. Not me. You.

You utterly stupid, self-righteous, mouth breathing, oxygen wasting moron.

People like you make me ill.

BUSINESS LECTURE COMPLETE